Goldfish

The Goldfish- no fool’s gold here

Ah, the humble goldfish (Carassius auratus)- few fish have to deal with the sheer audacity and flagrant disrespect that plagues this unappreciated gem. Everyone get some dip, because I have a MAJOR chip on my shoulder. It’s time to talk about Tembo.

This is Tembo, the true fish of my heart, the fish that got me fascinated with fish biology, the fish that brought me to where I am today. If you think I’m exaggerating, check the acknowledgments of my PhD thesis, my undergrad thesis, or my entry to my high school’s literary journal (no, I did not go on any dates in high school): Tembo is the fish we need, not the fish we deserve. And Tembo is a goldfish through and through.

It’s hard to know where to start amidst the burning splendor of this wonderful creature, but I suppose I should address this most malicious myth: goldfish only have a 3 (or 5 or 10 or whatever) second memory! If I were ever to get exposed to gamma rays and became she-Hulk, I would instantly transform anytime someone said “well, actually…” and recited this myth. Luckily, I am a calm, rational scientist, and I can simply convey that experiments on goldfish memory (using a sound to train goldfish to report to a feeding location, much like using a whistle to call a dog to its food bowl for breakfast or shouting DINNER up the stairs to get your siblings to come to the kitchen table) showed that goldfish remembered what the sound meant and would report to their feeding station six months after being trained. Now this might not impress you all that much, but let me tell you: relative to their reputations, goldfish are goddamn geniuses! More examples? Consider yourself served! Goldfish can recognize individual humans and distinguish their owners from strangers. Goldfish also have complex spatial memories, better than humans have! Because goldfish have to live in a more 3D world (humans can walk in two dimensions, but can’t fly up or sink below the floor, while goldfish can actively move up and down in their environments), their need to remember landmarks and navigate 3D mazes makes a lot of sense. As a side note, ‘putting fish in mazes and seeing how they do’ is a pretty common fish biology research technique. Turns out goldfish, and many other fish, are fantastic at mazes. They are A-MAZE-ING!

Goldfish also have some superpower-esque sensory abilities. Obviously they have their classic fish lateral line, but they also use their swim bladder for more than just buoyancy. See, goldfish are ostariophysans, a unique and wonderful type of fish with superpowered hearing. Now, all fish have your classic inner ear that looks kind of like the human inner ear. Ostariophysans, however, have another series of little, interlocking bones, a little like the little bones in our ears, called the Weberian apparatus. These little bones develop from the vertebrae in embryonic fish and connect the fish’s inner ear to their swim bladder.

Suddenly, all of these sounds that would be too subtle to be heard by a normal fish ear can reverberate up through the fish’s gas-filled swim bladder and give these fish truly extraordinary hearing. On a side note, I wonder if ostariophysans feel like all sounds originate within their own bodies, a kind of constant horror movie-like “the call is coming from inside the house!” sort of situation. In any event, ostariophysans find a way to deal with that stress, and they slice through the water confident in their hearing prowess.

I hope this has given us all a greater appreciation for the intelligent and interesting creatures that goldfish are. Here in the United States, we think of goldfish as disposable; they’re given as prizes at carnivals and sold for a dime each in dirty, overcrowded tanks in pet stores. Both of those things are illegal in Europe, and I think it’s important to remember that wonder can dwell in unexpected places. Take, for example, this video of a pleasant British man training his goldfish to play soccer:

You’ll notice that Span, the soccer star goldfish featured here, is a little funny-looking; that’s because he’s a fancy goldfish. Much like pugs, some goldfish have been bred to be dumpy-looking and cute, and goldfish were domesticated over 1000 years ago from a gray-scaled carp. In my scientific opinion, all goldfish are extremely cute, and if cared for properly, they can live for over 20 years (the record is thought to be 43 years!). Goldfish are determined to make a living in an unkind world, which is part of the reason they can become problematic invasive species if their owners release them into the wild. Not only is this cruel for the poor goldfish, but if they survive, it can be cruel for the wildlife around them. Goldfish should be cherished for the marvelous fish they are, so I hope you’ll take this opportunity to tell your goldfish you appreciate them today. Go on!